Trash + Class

Fuck it.

Can’t please everyone.

Might as well try and please myself.

Can’t wait for this weekend <3

As soon as my brain has come to the conclusion that someone is not as invested in me as I am in them, it automatically retreats. I start shutting myself off to them.

Who people ask me how I seem to get over people or situations easily, this is why. Because I started the process long before it actually ended. Because it always does. And so I enjoy the time I have with whatever it is, then after a calculated amount of time, I start moving on. So that when it does finally end, I’m good.

I don’t see this as a bad thing. I enjoy what I have while I have it, but I’m realistic and protective of myself. I get the best of both worlds.

I really enjoyed my random overly happy mood the last few days.

Not enjoying the shitty one that came my way today. It needs a serious eviction notice…

Rahh you actually make me so angry. And it’s so frustrating because you always play the victim and you do it so quite convincingly so. I believed all the stories about the past girls who had hurt you, but fuck I understand it all now.

Not just in the cliche sense of Who am I? What do I want? Where am I going? But down to the inner workings of my brain, why I do the things I do, how they truly make me feel (not just how I’ve tricked myself into trying to feel).

I look back and see decisions I’ve made, choices that were all on me and the ramifications of those and I try to understand why I did it. And I have no idea. I thought I did, and maybe the reasons I thought were behind it are part of it, but there’s a lot more I need to figure out. Not just for me, but for the people around me who are also affected by me and my behaviour, my choices and my emotional curveballs.

Sometimes in life, things don’t work out the way you either wanted them to, or you thought they would. That’s ok, it just means instead of that door opening, another one is. From now on, I’m thinking of things as not better or worse, just different. From a viewpoint sometimes you can see something is just not going to work, but a lot of us would push it, try to make it work. Try to fit a square inside a circle. Why? Why can’t you just let the square be a square and the circle be a circle? If they’re not going to fit together harmoniously, why would you try to attempt such an uncomfortable feat? I’m happy, and I’ve realised that there is so much in the world to love than to breed hate, anger, sadness and pain over things that really don’t have to matter if I don’t let them matter. Instead, I’m just finding where things fit harmoniously, and I’m going to make the most of them from where they are, I’m not going to try to change them from where they’re best at. And I wouldn’t want to.

I was so ridiculously happy today. All day. For no real reason. I was just incredibly cheerful, whilst also being so positive about everything. I actually figured out a lot today. Such a great day. A lot of wisdom that was inside me somewhere finally came to the surface. But it was just such an awesome day, I enjoyed breaking into song and dance at random times, booty shaking when no one was watching, rocking out to Glee in my car (I swear whoever passes me on a daily basis must think I’m mental, but today took the cake. My performance deserved a Tony award I swear), singing Ice Ice Baby under my breath to the boy sitting next to me at uni, skipping around and then hanging with someone awesome tonight =)

I’m hoping that this wasn’t just a one off =)

Either way, I’m not going to let it be.

*Although I did feel a bit awkward about being so bubbly whilst in a Social Inequality class….